Who’s Your Daddy?

January 22, 2011

A seminary professor was vacationing with his wife in Gatlinburg, TN. One morning, they were eating breakfast at little restaurant, hoping to enjoy a quiet, family meal. While they were waiting for their food, they noticed a distinguished looking, white-haired man moving from table to table, visiting with the guests. The professor leaned over and whispered to his wife, “I hope he doesn’t come over here.” But sure enough, the man did come over to their table.

“Where are you folks from?” he asked in a friendly voice. Oklahoma,” they answered.“Great to have you here in Tennessee,” the stranger said. “What do you do for a living?” “I teach at a seminary,” he replied.“Oh, so you teach preachers how to preach, do you? Well, I’ve got a really great story for you.” And with that, the gentleman pulled up a chair and sat down at the table with the couple. The professor groaned and thought to himself, “Great… Just what I need… another preacher story!” The man started, “See that mountain over there? (pointing out the restaurant window). Not far from the base of that mountain, there was a boy born to an unwed mother. He had a hard time growing up, because every place he went, he was always asked the same question, ‘Hey boy, Who’s your daddy?’ Whether he was at school, in the grocery store or drug store, people would ask the same question, ‘Who’s your daddy?’ He would hide at recess and lunchtime from other students. He would avoid going in to stores because that question hurt him so bad.

When he was about 12 years old, a new preacher came to his church. He would always go in late and slip out early to avoid hearing the question, ‘Who’s your daddy?’ But one day, the new preacher said the benediction so fast he got caught and had to walk out with the crowd. Just about the time he got to the back door, the new preacher, not knowing anything about him, put his hand on his shoulder and asked him, Son, who’s your daddy? The whole church got deathly quiet. He could feel every eye in the church looking at him. Now everyone would finally know the answer to the question, ‘Who’s your daddy?’. This new preacher, though, sensed the situation around him & using discernment that only the Holy Spirit could give, said the following to that scared little boy…” Wait a minute!’ he said. ‘I know who you are. I see the family resemblance now. You are a child of God.’ With that he patted the boy on his shoulder and said, Boy, you’ve got a great inheritance. Go and claim it. With that, the boy smiled for the first time in a long time and walked out the door a changed person. He was never the same again. When ever anybody asked him, ‘Who’s your Daddy?’ he’d just tell them, ‘I’m a Child of God’.”

 

The distinguished gentleman got up from the table and said, “Isn’t That a great story?” The professor responded that it really was a great story! As the man turned to leave, he said, “You know, if that new preacher hadn’t told me that I was one of God’s children, I probably never would have amounted to anything!” And he walked away.

 

The seminary professor and his wife were stunned. He called the waitress over & asked her, “Do you know who that man was who just left that was sitting at our table?” The waitress grinned and said, “Of course. Everybody here knows him. That’s Ben Hooper. He’s the former governor of Tennessee!” Someone in your life today needs a reminder that they’re one of God’s children! “The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of God stands forever.” ~~Isaiah

Seven Wonders of the World

December 29, 2010

A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present “Seven Wonders of the World.” Though there were some disagreements, the following received the most votes:
             

1. Egypt’s Great Pyramids

2. Taj Mahal

3. Grand Canyon

4. Panama Canal

5. Empire State Building

6. St. Peter’s Basilica

7. China’s Great Wall

While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student had not finished her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The girl replied, “Yes, a little. I couldn’t quite make up my mind because there were so many.” The teacher said, “Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help.” The girl hesitated, then read, “I think the ‘Seven Wonders of the World’ are:

1. To See

2. To Hear

3. To Touch

4. To Taste

5. To Feel

6. To Laugh

7. And to Love.”

The room was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop. The things we overlook as simple and ordinary and that we take for granted are truly wondrous! A gentle reminder — that the most precious things in life cannot be built by hand or bought by man.


The Dog

November 20, 2010

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked “What are you doing with that dog?” One of the boys replied, “This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we’ve decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog.” Of course, the reverend was taken aback. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie,” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.” There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, “All right, give him the dog.”


Scrabble

October 2, 2010

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?


You Thought You Knew Everything

July 10, 2010
” Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.” ” The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.”

” No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.”

” Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.”

” You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.”

” Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.”

” The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.”

” The king of hearts! is the only king without a mustache.”

” A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother’s first flight.”

” American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.”

” Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.”

” Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.”

” The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.”

” Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.”

” The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.”

” Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.”

” Marilyn Monroe had six toes.”

” All US Presidents have worn! glasses. Some just didn’t like being seen wearing them in public.”

” Walt Disney was afraid of mice.”

” Pearls melt in vinegar.”

” Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.”

” It is possible to lead a cow upstairs…but not downstairs.”

“A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.”

” The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.”

” Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word! “criminal.” The second was William Jefferson Clinton.”

” Turtles can breathe through their butts.”

” Butterflies taste with their feet.”

” In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world’s nuclear weapons combined.”

” On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.”

” On average people fear spiders more than death.”

” Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently-arrived immigrants.”

” Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.”

” Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.”

” Women blink nearly twice as much as men.”

” It’s physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.”

” The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.”

” A snail can sleep for three years.”

” No word in the English language rhymes with “MONTH.”

” Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!! “

” The electric chair was invented by a dentist.”

” All polar bears are left handed.”

” In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes… “

” An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.”

” TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.”

” “Go,” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.”

” If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.”

” A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.”

” The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.”

” Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.”


When I Whine

March 14, 2010

Today, upon a bus, I saw a girl with golden hair I looked at her and sighed and wished I was as fair.
When suddenly she rose to leave, I saw her hobble down the aisle.
She had one leg and used a crutch But as she passed, she passed a smile.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine I have 2 legs, the world is mine.

I stopped to buy some candy The lad who sold it had such charm I talked with him a while, he seemed so very glad If I were late, it’d do no harm.
And as I left, he said to me, “I thank you, you’ve been so kind.
It’s nice to talk with folks like you.
You see,” he said, “I’m blind.”
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I have 2 eyes, the world is mine.

Later while walking down the street, I saw a child with eyes of blue He stood and watched the others play He did not know what to do.
I stopped a moment and then I said, “Why don’t you join the others, dear?”
He looked ahead without a word.
And then I knew, he couldn’t hear.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I have 2 ears, the world is mine.

With feet to take me where I’d go.
With eyes to see the sunset’s glow.
With ears to hear what I would know.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I’ve been blessed indeed, The world is mine.


There Is No God?

January 31, 2010

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that  he was going to prove that there was no God. He said, “God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you 15 minutes!” Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, “Here I am God, I’m still waiting” He got down to the last couple of minutes and a BIG 240 pound football player happened to walk by the door and heard what the professor said. The football player walked in the classroom and in the last minute, he walked up, hit the professor full force, and sent him flying off the platform. The professor got up, obviously shaken and said, “Where did you come from, and why did you do that?” The football player replied, “God was busy; He sent me!”


The End

January 22, 2010

The End

A priest and pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the
road pounding a sign into the ground that reads:

“The End Is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!”

“Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yelled a driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The pastor turns to the priest and asks, “Do you think the sign should say
‘Bridge Out’?”


Devine Advice

December 9, 2009

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a pastor and poured out his story of tears and woe. When he had finished, the pastor said, “Here’s what I want you to do, put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water’s edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do.” A year later the businessman went back to the pastor and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom- tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket and gave it to the pastor as a donation in thanks for his advice. The pastor recognized the benefactor, and was curious. “You did as I suggested?” he asked. “Absolutely,” replied the businessman. “You went to the beach?” “Absolutely.” “You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?” “Absolutely.” “You let the pages riffle until they stopped?” “Absolutely.” “And what were the first words you saw?” “Chapter 11″


Big Gold Fish

November 17, 2009

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you doing there, Nancy?” “My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, and I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor was very concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”


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